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272. Excuse me, I need to go be awesome today. Today Im going to reach for the stars so that I can air out my armpits. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle. 133. 152. I dont need a psychologist to dig into my personal life and ask me about all of my secrets, thats what my friends are for!, 13. How can you not like someone who can make you laugh? My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldnt walk to the donut shop. Focus on the positives and be grateful. I said yes, which turned out to be the right answer. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button. And a funny bone. My boss is like a baby, screams and wakes me up every half hour. This is because, in order to be funny, there are certain details that need to be perfectly delivered. A backbone. Most of the articles that Ive written about affirmations are about more serious topics: Lets keep things a little lighter in this article shall we? 35. Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool. 94. 231. Affirmations are a great way to change your mindset. 'Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.'. 213. These affirmations are funny, humorous, witty and sarcastic for work, friends, family, mom, to boost your self-esteem, confidence and strength. I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case were having cake. I thought you said extra fries. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. These kinds of things just come with the territory if youre trying to live a meaningful life. 207. Learn sign language, its very handy. Life doesnt have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes. I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it. Square box, round pizza, triangle slices, now thats confusing. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once. Dont make me laugh, Im trying to be mad at you. Make it inspiring. So, you promise yourself from tomorrow on, youll be starting your days using affirmations. Bill Murray 7. Read the first word again. Thats what youre called when you dont have a job. I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. Hi! I will smile while I still have my teeth. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. 46. I am thankful for all the problems I dont have. 19. 45 Self-Compassion Affirmations to Practice when Feeling Low. 228. If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. I will shine like fireworks on the Fourth of July. They shape our present and have an impact on our future. No one can make me feel my jokes are bad. What happens to a frogs car when it breaks down? 139. He who wakes up early, yawns all day long. One thing you need to remember though; if you are going to be funny, then make sure youre actually funny. Cry a river. The only relationship I have is with my Wifi. 104. It can get you out of a tight corner and people who lack a sense of humor cannot do. Quotes that make no sense Photo: pexels.com (modified by author) Source: UGC. So with that being said, heres a list of funny affirmations. And no, that's definitely not a bad thing! Because if you can put a smile on your face with a little humor, I guarantee that youll feel some weight come off your shoulders.f. Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place, the fridge. Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? When you leave work on Friday, leave work. Friends buy you food. When I was in high school I had two favorite subjects, lunch and recess. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Are these genes in your jeans or are you just happy to see me? Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late. I am intelligent. 225. It may look like Im doing nothing, but in my head, Im quite busy. 133. Your words become your actions. I am capable of rewriting my grievances and transforming my fears. Pat Sajak My to-do list doesnt include dealing with negative people. A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. 217. Why cant you play cards on a small boat? Laughter can help you see the humor in otherwise grim situations. 75. Im full of funny ideas waiting to be expressed. A bald spot is like a lie, the bigger it gets the harder it is to cover it up. 20. Dont forget to check out our post onlove yourself quotesandvision board quotesto attract positivity in your life. 52. Funny Affirmations. 169. When and How to Let Them Know, How To Cheer Yourself Up When Feeling Down, 5 Things To Discuss With Your Partner Before Marriage, Funny Positive Affirmations For Self-Esteem, 50+ Powerful Positive Affirmations For Exams, 70+ Positive Affirmations For Teens From Parents. Even on my worst day, Ive still got 24 hours. Life does a pretty good job of keeping us stressed and worried, we dont need our internal dialogue to pile on too. Yes, officer, I saw the speed limit, I just didnt see your car. Enjoying this list of funny affirmations so far? 38. It just plain forms. Smile today, tomorrow could be worse. You cant have everything, where would you put it? Your habits become your values. 64. I am loving all the bad experiences because they are giving me something . Even if you dont consider yourself a funny person, you should never be afraid to express your unique humor. Affirmations are an opportunity to be honest with ourselves and recognize that we have a treasure trove of power and creativity within us. .People who enjoy making other people laugh are also known to be more detail oriented. 122. The biggest critics of my books are the people who never read them. Can February march? Be like a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet from inside. I am not letting an episode of my life ruin the entire show. 69. 222. Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake. Czech proverb, 261. 240. 144. When I can laugh at myself, life becomes so much easier. What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? 159. 137. 1. - Benjamin Franklin. And a funny bone. Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when Im with you. 266. Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the journey. Youre born free, then youre taxed to death. I wasnt mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if Im mad.. yes, Im mad! I can engage in small acts of kindness to uplift other people. Give me a photo of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas. All rights reserved. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa. Everyone recognizes how positive emotions can affect attitude and overall health. Sarcasm is a tool of highly intelligent people and if you're one of them (I bet you are), you're going to love these funny affirmations that are filled with humor and sarcasm.I'm sure you've heard a lot about affirmations, what they do and why you should start using them daily.They are a powerful to. 28. Here, we are listing down some awesome funny positive affirmations that will bring out serious positive changes in you. 191. Rodney Dangerfield, 198. It has the power to add levity to our daily challenges. My mistakes dont define me. In between, I am alive. 7. I see food, and I eat it. Think about all the things you're struggling with in your life. 164. I have Alzheimers bulimia, first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke. I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. Why did the can crusher quit his job? 184. 210. I dont have everything I want, but I have all I need. 8. 25. 213. 267. Breasts dont have eyes. I dont need validation from others to know Im killing it. 26. I personally love watching masters of comedy, Feel free to pick a few of these affirmations and say them to yourself the next time youre. Whether its at other people or at ourselves, its good to laugh in life. 130. I just go normal from time to time. Ben Hogan. Watch popular content from the following creators: Maaryfairyy(@maaryfairyy), Jasmines Garden(@jasminesgarden23), Dazley(@dazzlemeup), JaySean(@jaysean), Nathalie Munoz(@nathaliemunozx3) . 200. 189. Dont let anything or anyone stop you from achieving what you truly aspire. If you see affirmations that say " I will, " " I used to, " or " I'm going to, " then this is NOT an affirmation. 244. It has features that are distinctive and make me who I am. My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldnt walk to the donut shop. I bet giraffes dont even know what farts smell like. Ive made it from the bed to the couch. I tell you what always catches my eye. It takes so little to change your life! 6. 161. Franklin Jones Steven Wright, 252. I am grateful for that time. A gummy bear. With great power comes an even greater electricity bill. "When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.". 20. 45. Youre not tequila., 5. My boss is like a baby, screams and wakes me up every half hour. Enjoy! 28. When they go away, its a brighter day. Positive Daily Affirmations for Women. Lily Tomlin You can make friends and have good relationships if you believe in your sense of humor and fill your mind with funny and positive thoughts. Relax, its the weekend, just dont blink or it will be all over. Sincerely, the floor. 239. Theres life without Facebook and internet? I enjoy every minute of it. My body belongs to me and I can set boundaries around it. As a result, youll stay consistent, and with affirmations, consistency is the name of the game. 234. 2. Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake. He who wakes up early, yawns all day long. Sincerely, the floor. Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, theyll start using it. 176. We all have those days when we feel like the world is coming to an end. Its a door, thats how they work. Bill Murray 222. Im so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed. You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish. 90. I am healthy, I am wealthy, I am hot!, 14. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut. 114. Whether its because of a bad breakup or just feeling really down, there are ways to look on the bright side and come out on top. I have no time to worry; I have to be awesome. Not everyone has good taste., 3. It will just flow naturally. Bill Gates. The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. These kinds of things just come with the territory if youre trying to live a meaningful life. I am awesome. What do I do for a living? 107. Or maybe, you just love cracking jokes and making people laugh. 80. I am lazier after accomplishing the motive. 105. Dont give up on your dreams so soon, sleep longer. Today I was a hero. A backbone. 138. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. My chins are a stairway to heaven. 9. Is it perfect? 5. 145. 40. Hmmm, this text message is a little too harsh, Ill add LOL at the end. If youre hotter than me, then that means Im cooler than you. 212. If youre hotter than me, then that means Im cooler than you. I dont think thats a coincidence. They log in.